Aside

                 Where does one begin?

   I have so many things to say and yet here I sit at this blank piece of paper and my mind goes blank.

   I wonder why it is so hard to actually talk about ones self, its not that I ever considered really that anyone might be interested in reading what I think or my thoughts. My daughter told me to start a blog, and so here I sit and will try and tell my tale and maybe if it helps one person then it was a good thing to do. It wont hurt anyone and it may actually be a little healing for myself. So here goes….bare with me as I figure this blogging thing out. I have already tried this twice today and somehow managed too lose everything I wrote.

   My daughter would say DO IT MOM! I suppose after years of my telling her she can do anything if she puts her mind to it shes now become my cheering section, Funny how life works out like that.  I have spent so many years being everyone else s cheering section I think somewhere along the way I forgot about me. I just have never mattered all that much to me. 

   What has always mattered to me were my children, my friends, my spouse. Me? not so much. Why is that one might ask, well that will take me some time to explain. For the time being let me tell you the simple things about me.

   My name is Robin and I am the proud mother of three children I gave birth too and three step children I gained through marriage. My children are grown now and that has taken some adjusting to I have to say. I am also the extremely proud grandmother of a little girl who is the apple of my eye! So i guess that makes me a mother of 6 kids! I have never been fond of the word ” step mom” I have always said the extra mom, I don’t think really one can have too many actually. The more people that love you hey the more love you carry with you! I also have extra kids… some i babysat for some just hung out at my house friends of my kids, I was just always ma. I liked that.

   My oldest daughter is beautiful, smart as they come and quick witted. She holds a special place in my heart for she was my miracle baby, a child I didn’t think I could ever have. She graced my life with my granddaughter, an added bonus. She is a funny girl, I have often said I wish I had written down all the things my kids said growing up what a book that would have been. My next daughter is always amazing me to me, she is fearless and always has been. she has a zest for life that is so beautiful to me, when she walks into a room you cannot help but look up her presence says,” hello I am here!!”She too is beautiful and one smart cookie! Then, there’s my son, my baby while he is grown and married he will always be my baby. He is handsome ,quirky sense of humor, very clever and hard working. He is kind and proud. Now for my “extra” kids my husband had twins a young lady both beautiful and talented I wear a piece of her talent around my wrist every day. He has son as well who can actually charm the pants off most people though more importantly he is a US Solider. Then there is our teenager he came to us a different way. His mother passed away and that left him without a conventional family so we took on the state where he was residing and made him a permant part of our family! A choice I am proud we made! So thats my six children!

   My granddaughter, well Thats a page all by itself. She is so beautiful ,so funny and kind beyond words. She keeps me on my toes and probably keeps my heart young.More days than not she gets me up every day even on days I didnt think Id make it out of bed! my health is not great. Thats another tale.

   So now you know a little about my family and as you can see I am very proud of all of them.

    Now what brings me to this blogging thing?

   I am struggling with my health. I am more robot than not these days. I am finding I have lost my joy my happiness. I have spent so many years being everyone elses cheerleader that I think I lost me along the way. It is hard to be happy when you live in constant pain I didnt even realize how much joy and happiness had been sucked right out of me. Till my daughter said to me “mom I just want my mom to be happy” I was on the phone with her and while she could not see my face I was in a flood of tears for I could not find my happy place I couldnt stop the tears I couldnt give her what she wanted so badly. that made me cry even harder,but she is relentelss ( I  often say who raised you?!) she said mom you need to go for a walk you need to read a book outside you need to try! what she didn’t really understand is that I am I was trying I just am worn out and do not have much in the tank. Pain takes quite the toll on a person you do not even realixe what pain steals from you.

   Then she said,” write a book”. i saw those words loud and clear as they floated acrosss my phone she was texting me. I always wanted to write a book I just didn’t really know how to go about that. then I saw the words BLOG . I have read others and thought about it and said I dont know how to blog… and thats how this blog began. So I say thank you to my middle one who knows me better than myself some days. She talked me into this and well lets see if I can do her proud.

  This is the beginning of something new for me. I am going to try and tell my strory and who knows maybe someone else out there will feel a little better on a blue day or maybe someone will realize they aren’t alone or maybe just maybe peple might find me interesting enough to keep coming back for more… I have opinions, and I often share them without being asked.

  I will be back to write another day but for today let me just say this about myself. I believe noone can sit around feeling sorry for themselves for more than 24 hours. One has to dig deep and sometimes deeper on the really hard days. So this is not a tale of a gal who wants pity, this is a tale of my journey ,my adventures in life. Some tales are not  so pretty but they are apart of the fabric that makes me who I am. Some days are a riot and you will belly laugh at the day i have had. Mostly I hope you will join me in my journey to  finding my grey for its never all black or white now is it? My grey is hiding and I am in search of it ,so thanks for coming along for my ride,

Robin, just a simple bird.

 

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