Good Morning to everyone out there in this land!
” Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down” Well that’s how to song goes, but I rather think that rainy days means finding a great book and getting down to reading and curling up with my favorite four footed friends. Max, he is the largest Shepard I have ever seen He is beautiful and very protective of me. He is really quite a baby. Thor, he is also a Shepard and a funny fellow with his ear stretched out like an airplane most of the time he has many issues with his poor ears, He is loveable and makes sure the house is always secure. I think he considers himself to be THE TOP DOG! Then of course there is our Luke, he is a mix ,Pit, Rot and Shepard. He is one loveable guy, everyone who comes into contact with him falls head over heels in love with him. I will put up his beautiful face for all too admire! They have all taken their places this morning to settle in with the rain.
They keep looking at me as I sit at my computer and I swear they are saying ,”umm whats up with this gal? She never sits at a computer.’ I am smiling because they are right this is not my typical behavior.
My granddaughter is off to school and after a morning of going over the spelling list she has I am trying so hard to get her to be confidant. She is a smart cookie but is unsure when it comes to speaking in front of a classroom. So we are working hard every day to help make her proud and tall! One day at a time but we do not give up in my household!
I am ready to write today with greater surprise, though my fingers are having trouble today because of the weather so my typing is a little harder today. Coffee sitting beside me and my middle daughter talking inside my head,” DO IT MOM!” and so I am.
Today ,due to the weather , I have to talk a little about my health, it is very affected with the weather changes and makes my life a little more challenging. I suffer from many things, one being I have a degenerative joint disease . I also have some form of an auto-immune disease. In the last 10 years I have had so many surgeries that I am part robot . My granddaughter calls me Robo-Grandma ( makes me smile) She is correct, Though too often I seem to be missing my oil can. How did the Tin Man ever manage I often wonder. I have had my back rebuilt twice now and have discs fused and a cage in my spine to keep the other discs hopefully from collapsing at a slower rate. When it rains like today I am stiffer than a board and It makes moving very difficult. These are the days I tend to say screw it and just get comfortable as I can and read. But I am on a mission right now and I have committed myself to this writing thing and so today I am not in bed ,I am sitting upright and ignoring the pain I feel everywhere in my body and typing away. How am I doing? I have had both my lower legs broken ( by a doctor ) and realigned because my poor knees bent so far back it turned into 12 knee surgeries ,the bones just wore too thin. I also had both my hips replaced, I have Hip Dysplasia, my left one replaced twice! Hip Dysplasia is a terrible, severe genetic disease. (many people are used to hearing about this in large dogs) I have often said maybe I got it instead of my dogs… again I have to say ‘That man’ in the sky sure works in mysterious ways..Trust me with weather such as today I ache terribly. I know its going to rain before it ever begins. My Aunt ,when I was little used to say, ” Ohh its going to rain I feel it in my bones” I used to think she was a little nuts or magical because she was always right it rained! Now that I am older and have these replacement parts I say it too “its gonna rain I can feel it in my bones” and then it rains. Maybe I too am magical? I have had both my elbows fixed multiple times I snapped the tendons in both doing nothing but lifting a can of soup, or washing dishes and stretched to put away a dish and SNAP!! Making one more trip to my fix it up doctor. My saving grace in this world is I found the greatest Orthopedic doctor in the universe. He keeps me upright and moving ,he just keeps fixing what breaks, and I keep getting up.
Who knew one could break so easily? I surely didn’t . Then there’s my hands, I have Arthritis and that in and of itself makes it difficult, but I have had other issues , carpel tunnel and trigger fingers which makes my hands get stuck. I have had surgery on both hands and while It helped stop some issues it has caused others. I have chosen to just deal with them the way they are I cannot deal with not being able to use my hands , I need them. So I deal with the pain the best I can. Typing still, Ya Me!
Now my knees have been an issue from way back. As long as I can remember I have problems with my knees. Now there is no cartilage inside them anymore so the left knee needs to be replaced. The question always becomes when is the best time to do this? I will need help. I am terrible about asking for help I just always have said do what you can and well the rest just forget about it. I hate to burden anyone. It is so hard for me to trust others with helping me, though I have the best husband in the world. He has stuck with me through all these surgeries and really never complains. That’s pretty awesome! I feel badly though because I feel I become one more thing he has to “do” and even though he will say that’s not how he feels how could he not feel a little like uggg here we go again. That’s how I feel. So After the holidays? between the holidays? Who knows. All I know is it is going to suck hardcore! With each surgery I have had it takes quite a toll on me, and as I age it is harder to bounce back. So I am not looking forward to this in the least!
The past, as much as Id like too keep it there seems to creep its way back into my life no matter what I do. Why does my body fall apart the way it does? Well, part of the problems are from all the beatings I sustained as a young child and things that never got taken care of when I was young. So I grew up doing things that actually made the problems worse. I took up Salsa dancing! Who knew that something as fun as dancing could break my body? I knew I was hurting but too many people had told me it was all in my head and so I stopped complaining and did not get things taken care of because I figured nobody would listen. SO I pushed through pain and became quite the dancer! I loved to dance, I felt free when I was dancing. Nobody could hold me back! I was in competitions ! I loved it! Pretty dresses, I felt beautiful for the first time in my life. It took a very hard turn of events for me. I collapsed on a dance floor and it sent me to the hospital by way of ambulance. I was so scared. I was 20. They told me I would never dance again. My life was stolen one more time. Hard pill too swallow for me. I fought hard and eventually I danced again, never as well and just for fun with my friends, but at least I was moving my hips and feeling the pounding sounds of the music in my soul. It fed my soul ,I got lost in the music ,I felt nothing but free from all that ached inside my heart. Just because one puts on a smile does not mean one is not hurting inside. People thought I was amazing, I never understood that at all.I just think I’m barely hanging in there. But I show up every day! One way or another I SHOW UP!
What do I do now I ponder about my health as I am aging, and things become increasingly harder for me. I would tell my children ” Just do your best” why doesn’t that work for me I wonder? Somehow my best seems so weak these days and I am frightened at all that life keeps stealing from me. I keep trying to say none of this matters but truth is it does. It is frustrating and I am so tired from being in pain everyday all day all night long. Ask my husband, he will tell you I cry in my sleep. Sometimes I scream. No one ever knows that because when the sun rises and I drag myself out of bed and start the tea kettle to make my coffee and wake up the little one for school who would know? I am moving so I must be ok right? Wrong! I am far from okay most days. I hurt a LOT! I take medications for pain , it doesn’t work as well as one might think. It does allow me to get out of bed, and once I am up I just try to stay that way till I can no longer deal at all and then fall flat into my bed. Sobbing quietly into my pillows so not to disturb others I do not want people to think I am weak or have given up. SO I am quiet.Medications have their own set of complications, take one pill for this and one pill because you take that pill and this pill because that one does not work unless you take this pill. .. AND then I itch from all the medications I take so I take one for the itching as well. that pill however makes my body dry up so I need to drink more and I am the worst at that. It is a weird thing this drinking issue for me. I know most will not understand this but hey this is a story about me and my truths not others. When I drink water for example I feel like someone is drowning me. Why someone might ask? That means we have to go back again to when I was young. Many people have heard of water torture , well, I stayed with many foster families from the time my mother was murdered ( I do not just say she died because she did not just die she was in fact murdered) and not all foster homes are a good place. I became a product of being lost in the system as some people would say. I stayed with a family with a few kids of their own and I do not understand for the life of me why they would want to take in kids with any issues unless they really wanted to help. However, the case in fact is simple many foster kids are treated so badly in the system and forgotten about that many kids die at the hands of foster families. I did not die that is not in my cards. I ENDURE!
This family however thought it was a sport to see how long they could hold me down and poor water into my mouth and watch as I choked and gagged and made such a mess spitting and spurting water from my mouth trying not to die. I think there was a little voice inside my head that used to whisper,” BRING IT !”” Go ahead try and kill me just do your best. ” They did, this game of theirs was an every day event. 4:00 pm every day they would giggle and chase my around the dinner table chanting ,”its water time….” I shivered and ran but seriously where could I run I was 6? They would catch me and the man would hold me down while the woman would pour water into my mouth , well over my face and watch me drown. To this day I do not drink water it makes me gag. Somethings I just have never been able to shake . I just take the ribbing about it these days when people say ” you’re crazy it is just water drink it already. ” I just do not drink water. I have a cup it is my cup and I an a little crazy when it comes to MY cup. It is the cup I drink out of and I do not share my cup. I usually drink Sirea Mist, or Ice tea something with flavor because I cannot drink water without gagging. My cup allows me to keep track of actually how much I am consuming otherwise I end up back in the hospital from becoming dehydrated . That has happened too many times to count. Causing me such headaches I cannot even think. So I keep trying to make sure I take in enough fluids every day to keep my headaches to a low roar and keep me out of the emergency rooms.
See how your past can haunt you even when you think you have it wrapped up in a special place locked up so it doesn’t get out?
I am aware however everyday of my life that I need to make sure I check myself and know exactly where I am emotionally so I can go about my day. I suffer from P.T.S. I did not think such a thing truly existed ,I thought someone made that up to use one more phrase to call me crazy. SO I ignored this title given to me. It has taken me many years to understand really what PTS means. I thought it was something only people who had been through wars suffered from. I have never been to battle. AH, but I have I have been to war, I have been into battle on too many times to count. It was not a political war , and I did not wear a uniform. No one ever gave me a medal and told me how grateful they were for all I did. I say thank you every single day to Veterans of War. I thank them for fighting for the freedoms we so totally live with that many others do not have! No none ever said, ” Thank you Ma’am for all you ,did thank you for fighting the good fight”. Or,” I am so sorry “, when they can see the scars I wear from the battles I have fought. Most of my scars I wear on the inside and no one can see those. P.T.S. is a weird and strange thing. It means basically that people suffer flashbacks from being in wars , often women who have been raped suffer from this as well. I mean other women, or men. Not me. I am different. I am not crazy. I do not care what has been done to me I cannot undue it so why bother giving it any credit? I am a person who ENDURES I am not a victim, I am not a survivor. I am a woman who simply ENDURED. So how can you tell me I suffer from P.T.S.? I mean if I suffer from P.T.S. then I must not be enduring as well as I think I am. That’s just not true I have learned. I am a woman that ENDURES and I endure partially because I do suffer from P.T.S. Post Traumatic Stress =P.T.S. I live with that every day, so I am careful to check myself every day every night.
Again I say please do not pity me, I am not feeling sorry for myself so please do not feel that for me either. Embrace me embrace my love of adventure in this crazy mixed up world we live in. The beauty is everywhere you just have too look beyond the pains that try and stand in your way! Look up at the sky ,look into the eyes of new baby, brings chills to my spine just thinking about the look in a new baby’s eyes. Hopeful and trustful. Nothing complicated just a bundle of love. Nothing I love more than to feel a baby in my arms, I cannot explain what it does for my soul ,I feel elated. I feel joy. I feel strong .I feel happiness beyond words. I feel proud! Beauty is everywhere it is in the clouds ,it is in the green grass, or a cornfields swaying in the breeze. It is in the tiny flower that pops out of nowhere and you wonder where did that come from.Beauty is even in the mist of the most tragic events. Look at all the people on the East Coast who are barely surviving the Hurricanes from last year “Sandy” and now, the huge fire that has taken “my boardwalk “down once more. ( I call it MY boardwalk because I am a Brooklyn Girl and while you can take the girl out of Brooklyn you cannot take the Brooklyn out of the girl.) I spent many many days and nights walking up and down that boardwalk with my grandfather and alone… and sometimes with a friend , even kissed a boy under the boardwalk once.. Its horrific and terrible. BUT, There are people who care and out of the depths of what must feel like hell to these folks ,comes honest ,hard working folks ,not waiting on someone to come save them but instead they are getting their own hands dirty and digging deeper then they knew they could and rebuilding again. No complaints, though many tears and broken tired people who refuse to give up and refuse to just lie down and die. THAT my friends , that is the most beautiful thing of all! IT does not matter how many times or how many times people fall down. What matters is how many times they get up! I really mean that. YOU HAVE TO GET UP! YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP! EVERY DAY! (How else will you be able to know how the story ,the journey ,the adventure ends?) You have to stay focused you have to stay present keep your eye on the prize I have heard people say. The prize is what one might ask? I think the prize is different for everyone.
With that being said I will end today’s writing with this in mind. While my children were growing up and having a bad day we used to read a book, a favorite of mine. It’s called , “Alexander and the Terrible ,Horrible ,No good, very bad Day!”
There’s a quote inside that book that says, “.. some days are like that even in Australia.”
Doesn’t matter where you are some days are just like that. Today is one of those days for my body and I think it would feel the same even in Australia, though I have never been there so the scenery might be a nice distraction!
Again Id like to say thank you for joining me another day isn’t this fun? it really is one hell of a ride hang on tight it is just getting started!
Robin ~ a simple bird.