Aside

Monday has come around again.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference.
I have taken the road less traveled, some days it was the best discussion I ever made and other days not. I try not to stray too far from home, for it is my safe place. Now and then I find I have listened to the voice inside my head and I choose a different road , one never knows whats out there if they never try to find another path.
Taking a new path is sometimes very scary, I think it is necessary as well. I had a very difficult weekend and many wont ever understand why.I became so upset I broke out in  hives. Whats up with that? It is funny, you just never know whats lurking around the corner of your life, till you turn the corner and then BAM there it is standing too close to you. That is what happened to me this weekend.
When I walk these days I do not walk alone, I walk with my very best friend. He doesn’t always understand but he always seems to get me. He can hear the unspoken words inside my head. Not always beautiful, but always honest. Tears all weekend long, hurt feelings and heartache. Old ghosts found themselves a tiny hole to slither out of and came to haunt me when I wasn’t paying attention. I am not one that cries over split milk I am rather one who giggles for no reason at all. This weekend, I haven’t been able to shake my broken heart.Not the broken heart one gets over a breakup and while that sucks a lot, it will pass and new loves will grow and the heartache of the break up will be history. New love stands taller and your world feels perfect again.
This sort of heartache is the kind one gets from a trauma, while I can tuck them away most of the time when someone comes along and without warning jumps in front of my face, I feel so small all over again as though in fact I am the imposter of myself. Everyone will know I am, not who they think I am, everyone will know how damaged I am, everyone will know I am up for grabs and let the beatings of my lifetime commence repeating  themselves all over again …. then I feel shattered…all over again.
What do I do ? I can always tell someone else what to do or how to do it, but when it comes to me I don’t want anyone to really know how lost I have become. Frozen,
                                                          Mystically Beautifully Frozen.
I have this theory, I tell it to all I know. YOU can’t stay feeling sorry for yourself for more than 24 hours! Period! Get up! Show up! Move past it! Leave it in your dust, as you walk tall moving slowly one foot in front of the other. Thus, I am barely moving but I am moving. If you let such a heartache break you they win, the evil ones .Madness!
I refuse to allow such evil ones to win this war against me. I am in control of my life now. I’m taking back my life. Time to clean house as they say!
Life is an odd thing, with the mixtures of beauty is even amongst the ugly and dark. Something beautiful emerges if you hang on and keep pushing , plugging away one day at a time beauty is there. I know it is.

I have a reunion I am supposed to attend next month and I was excited to go at first, seeing old friends, and being able to see with my own eyes that they are well. Safe, hopefully happy. It is nice to hug an old friend you haven’t seen in years.

They are not ordinary friends,we are friends who endured the depths of Hell together and came out on the other side. Many are not my friend at all, they are just my childhood, they are my past, they hold the same secrets I do.

I am trying to fight the urge “not to” go because in fact, there are a few, I am so anxious to see, they have married and I have not met their spouse,some have had grandchildren, some have found their happily ever after! Nothing brings me more joy than seeing an old friend once tormented, alongside me, now  living happily and has a person they call their own.

 I have to go, this inner battle of black and white constantly fighting with everything I have to stay in the gray, not one or the other somewhere in the middle is probably best after all. So let them fly in from around the world and I will be there with open arms and hug those I love extra tight and try not to glare too harshly at those that probably deserve worse. I cannot allow them to win. If I am hurt, by what they did or have even done in recent days, they win. I live this day because I am a fighter. A peaceful gal but a fighter non the less.

My body is whats weak, my soul is strong.I have to remind myself of that for I am struggling and it becomes harder and harder to find my (Polly Anna), That’s what I say when trying to find the good and not stay in the bad.

Pollyanna, is a very old movie in which this girl in-spite of her circumstances always found the good, she referred to it as her glad game. I play that game too many, many days, in the movie when she becomes ill she finds it is not so easy to play the glad game.

While I am unable at this moment to play the glad game,as often as I’d like to, I am no longer alone in my quest, I have a someone who walks beside me and sometimes lets me hide right behind his back. He holds my hands and whispers in my ears, “hold your head up high” ” I’ve got you”

This journey of mine while not always sunny, (I am not feeling all that sunny) it is an adventure I am proud of . I don’t always know how I get there but somehow I manage to stay afloat and hang on.

Sometimes it is talking to an old friend who shared the same horrors I did. I thank them for the times they spent talking to me when they have their own worries. sometimes it means looking at one of my children I brought into this world and smiling feeling pleased. Sometimes all I need is a hug and a kiss from my granddaughter. Sometimes, well sometimes plain and simple “time” is what it takes. A pair of fresh eyes can do wonders. 

The best thing in the world however, is doing something for someone else and stop allowing yourself to become consumed with your own silly problems. (though they never feel silly at all)

Today, I say thank you to my very best friend in the world, the man who lies beside me every night. Thank you for holding me when my body trembles with fear , thank you for listening even when my words fail me, thank you for kissing my tears that refuse to stop, thank you for smiling at me even as I hobble and for always helping me up when I have fallen to the ground.

Thank you my friend,  thank you my for this beautiful road trip!

I love you .

Today I am riding shotgun!

Thanks for coming along for the ride, remember to never cover your face . You are beautiful even on the days ugly seems to creep out of the darkness.

Robin ~ a simple bird.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s