IT IS A SPECTACULAR VIEW STANDING OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR!
What a whirlwind of a week !
It is taking me a little time to sort though my past week. It was filled with flooding memories both wonderful and horrific.
An invite was sent to me to a “Homecoming” a strange metaphor to me, seeing as while it was a place I lived, it was by no means my home.
Walking through the Yellow door!
It is an experience I wont soon forget.
I spent my childhood here, and while it did more damage than good in my opinion, it was my life.I talk often about the fabric I am made of. This experience has added to the colors of complicated beautiful cloth I wear.
I spent my weekend seeing old faces and a few new ones. I had an old friend stay with me this week, we sipped our coffee and shared the bathroom sink just as we did so many moons ago. we laughed , we cried we laughed some more and shared a bottle of wine!
We will never see the yellow door again. I cannot express how relieved it makes me to be able to say this.
I pray that old ghosts that linger in the hallways burn to the ground as the take this building down and leave nothing in its place.
Then together we drove with a few more old friends this time we walked through the yellow door together, and we left together.
I was so sad to see the few children left for whatever reason as we walked through my old world. I made a point to say hello and tell each child I met thank you, and that they thought they mattered. I thanked them for allowing me to come in a see THEIR space ,their place.
It no longer is a place I lived at.
I grieved for the small child I once was .I sobbed for the horrors I bared witness to as well as to have been a victim of.
I do not know what ran through their minds as so many people walked about as if it belonged to them. It no longer did . That is the simple truth. I did a lot of crying this past week both happy and sad tears. I was reminded of many people who have since passed away and those who ended their lives never having found peace. I found myself feeling sad for the child I was ,sad I could not have let those that ended their lives in such a horrible fate, let them know they were not alone.
I suppose, I am grateful for whatever it is that has kept me alive for so many years beyond the yellow door. I saw old friends, comrades I fondly refer to them. We bonded together to make our lives a little less painful and a little less lonely, bearable. Truth is we did not have much of a choice. Make it or be passed to a state hospital where the would remove our brain. Not an option for me at any rate.
So I learned the rules and played them better than those that made the rules.
Do not play head games with me.
Loneliness is a killer of ones soul.
I have spent a lifetime compartmentalized my life so that it is manageable. People cannot imagine what loneliness can do to ones soul .Terror is horrible and it can drive you mad if not totally insane.
Not a pretty picture.
More tears than smiles my childhood was full of. That was a long…. long time ago……
I preach to my children and to my friends, If you smile more than you cry it’s a great day! I try hard to fill my life these days with laughter. Nothing better than the sound of giggles from a child. Laughing through tears is one way I have saved my spirit and my soul all these years later. Pain and pleasure, it is a fine line.
It took me many years to find my smile, to dance and feel alive.
I cannot wait to dance once more in my Ocean once more . (My ocean other people call The Atlantic Ocean.)
It runs along the coast of my home state. My family, they are all buried there.
It is also where I was born. New York is in my blood it runs through my veins just as blue blood itself.
Brooklyn NY Coney Island.
This past weekend I was able to hug many people long-awaited, and it felt wonderful to feel them inside my arms. I shook with tears and I smiled at faces. I cried for those that no longer are with us. Those who could not join us, a few in particular I kept in my pocket they are not forgotten they just could not make it. At dinner, which was I suppose a celebration of those who made it through to the other side of the YELLOW door,to me it was more a time for people to grandstand and boast about what a wonderful place it was and how if not for them we would all most likely be dead. One woman spoke about her child and how it sort of saved her life, though she went on to say she was in and out of treatment places and eventually tattooed a yellow door on her arm!!!! I could not contain myself I just shook my head in dismay.They are demolishing the O School , of which I am so happy about. I found myself bursting out laughing as speeches took place it was slightly contagious at the table I sat at. My husband, at my right pinching me under the table to try to quiet me some, that only made me laugh harder.I began quietly as I did not mean to be rude, but as I looked at the others, my old friends, I saw sparkles of laughter in their eyes as well and eventually we all were laughing.
Too much bullshit and too many lies. what else would one do as they sat and listened to the ramblings of someone who pretended this was a miracle place and welcome home? !!!!!
That just cracked me up completely!
For me it was the best release.
I can laugh, and nobody gets to steal that from me!
I love to laugh while I may not be the happiest of people one might assume, that’s not true. I am happy. I find something to be happy about each and every day of my life!
Life is not simple, it is not always kind or fair, it is what it is and our job is to make the best of what is in front us each and every day.
We all have our cross-eyed bears a friend of mine often says, and it is true.
I haven’t yet been able to find a place to put the events of this past week. I will be patient with myself as I try to find the perfect spot.
There were many moments over the weekend I found myself in a panic at being locked behind or between doors.( They now have extreme alarms on every door. )
My husband came with me and so did my best friend. I can never explain how grateful I am for that. This time when the doors locked me in I was not alone and eventually someone came and unlocked the doors so we could leave.
I found it interesting to listen to the perspective of my best friend who grew up on the other side of the Yellow door.
When she arrived home she called me and said, ” I need a nap” she went on to tell me how sad she felt that her best friend had lived in such a place , we took a brick to encase it with a plaque ” NEVER LOCKED IN AGAIN”
A house made of bricks seems to suggest a place that is solid and safe. I was rarely safe from the harm of humans. I was not fond of this place where I rested my head. My nights were not peaceful, screams in the night from other children and the sounds of footsteps making their way to my bedside only to drag me out by my hair and what would lay ahead was nothing short of torture. Still send shivers down my spine.
Sadness filled my heart this weekend.
Thank G-d my old place will soon be dust.
I say all the time YOU CANNOT BUY OLD FRIENDS!
While this is true, you cannot buy old friends, it is also true that I have found new friends on the other side of the yellow door. I cherish those that are in my life today, both old and new.
It is a gift not to be taken lightly,
I have not found the quiet place just yet to tuck the old pages of my life back on a shelf for safe keeping but I will.
One day at a time. Today I feel a little unsettled, too many wounds reopened and probably wont ever truly heal, but no need to keep adding salt to a place that is already raw. This was a difficult tale to share. This too shall pass.
I have arrived in my life today, it is my life and I live it every day!
I am here to stay!
(This is a Hebrew saying translated.)
Some people stated I am remarkable, a miracle of some kind, but I am just a simple bird trying to make my way through. I wish I saw myself through other people’s eyes.
I will close today with this tidbit in mind.
Live your life as the gift it is, we are lucky to be apart of this incredible world, even though some days are rough. They say some days are just like that even in Australia!
So breathe on the bad days breathe on the good days.
If you are lucky enough to have a door, open it and see whats outside. There are some truly incredible people out here. Give it a chance.
Celebrate all that is good and open your windows and let the bad fly out.
Open your doors and let fresh air in.
IT IS A SPECTACULAR VIEW!
My door is open, and it sure is not yellow!
I keep my heart open and keep filling it up with all that is wonderful and makes me happy.
I welcome both old and new friends.
Thank you for coming with me today, though this was not the easiest of weekends however, I am glad I went, even happier to return HOME!
“There’s no place like HOME”
It is a SPECTACULAR VIEW THE OTHER SIDE OF THE yellow door!
Robin ~ a simple bird.