FRUSTRATION MEANS DIGGING DEEPER !

I say this all the time because it is more often true than not.

I am feeling a little insane today because I spent a large part of my day writing and learning how to do it better. I did everything it said to do and somehow everything I did vanished! I was so upset yesterday and woke today feeling even more frustrated than I did when I went to bed last night! Insanity?

It might make me a little insane except for the fact that today I am sitting with my coffee to my left and my squeeze applesauce to my right and my fingers are tapping away making sure that whatever I did yesterday does not happen again! I wont make the same mistake as I did yesterday .I know I did something wrong though, I have not yet figured out what! What I know is this:

“If at first you don’t succeed try and try again!” I tell my children do not have a bad attitude, work harder, do it again, try it a different way and then try again. So why in the world would I not listen to my advice?!!!!

I knew a woman who used to tell me I could cure anyone else in the world for a nickel!

I just do not always seem to create the ability to do the same for myself. Why?

I think that it is much harder to look inside yourself and see the failures we hold, in fear that others will judge. Truth is they will judge but really why do we care what others might think?

I woke up today in tears, I cried till I was not much more than a wet blanket. a red nose, swollen eyes and i felt as if I should just go back to bed and say screw it!

I should be so lucky to have such a blanket, warm sea water to cover my sorrows. How i miss my Ocean.

Why am I so sad when I have so much to be thankful for?

The beasts have been unleashed, the nightmares have returned .

I spent too many years trying to find a place to keep them locked away and yet they have seeped out from G-d knows where. I am left feeling empty and that is so unfair. No one ever said life was fair!

I feel lonely, I feel sad. I feel such loss, and I don’t seem to manage to remember the ability to tuck old stuff away. That is such a crime against me. I have to fix this, I cannot function like this.

what did I do? How did this happen? Why do I feel such panic?

There is a reason this is such a famous painting.

If I thought it would help to scream I would. It wont help. If i thought pulling my hair out I would . It wont help.

So what do I do?

I am running in circles inside my head frantic to make things seem as though everything is just fine. It is not .

I wish I could run till I could not take another breath. I wish I could I wish I wish, I am angry with my body for failing me I am angry my mind refuses to stop racing. I am frustrated with myself I know better!!

That does not stop the pain I feel in my body and it does not stop the pain in my heart. My heart aches for those I have lost and my heart aches for a child I cannot heal.

Talking to myself is not helping today and it should I am rather good at this. Not today.

Please do not pity me as you read my tale of woes for I hate pity. If it is possible to grasp what my heart aches for and you can wrap your arms around yourself and hug me inside your heart I am good with that.

If words could hug the way I hug I might feel a little better. I have told my kids and my friends for almost half a century one needs 5 hugs a day just to get by. In my family we hug hard. One needs to feel a hug inside their soul otherwise why bother to hug at all?

( extra hugs are always wonderful bonus hugs I call them)

I have the pleasure of getting extra hugs from a little girl who is never tired of hugging her grandmother even when she has already tried to squeeze the stuffing right out of me! I can never get enough!

hugs

hugs

(It doesn’t matter who or what you hug sometimes, just hugging is good for the soul.)

I am thinking of too many things today, so many quotes come falling out of my brain and I will try to lay them on paper because they fit.

I suppose I should go around to many people and say thank you for all the No’s I got in my life. I surely didn’t make it to where I am from getting lots of yes’ and oh come on in no problem. I just have always done it myself, one way or another I just keep getting up and trying again. I am still standing that has to count for something!

 

 I cannot count the amount of doors that have been slammed in my face, but trust me more doors closed than opened. It comes to my mind my son, who has faced a few doors closing not interested and I kept saying hang in there your day will come. It has he has arrived! he didn’t take the easy way, he took a long road of hard knocks. He has found his path he had found his balance and is living his dream. 

Life is like a bicycle, you just need to find your balance.

My son rides his bike when a car is not available, nothing stands in his way. He found his balance. It allowed him freedoms and he has finally ARRIVED!

Working hard and not allowing all the no’s to stand in his way, he is now a firefighter and an EMT working !

He will turn 22 next month! He married the girl of his dreams this past summer she stands by his side no matter what! I love her  for that and for many other reasons . Her soul is beautiful and she makes my son the happiest I have ever seen him. What more could a mother ask for?

I am so proud of him.

( his father would be too)

Pride!

Pride!

I am extremely proud of all he has accomplished in his short 21 years. He should feel proud as well. I know his beautiful wife is!

Lots of no thank you s and plenty of were not hiring and he yet, he kept his head held high. He has arrived! 

My children are extraordinary. I admire their want to fed their souls and never take no for an answer. They push past all the messy things that try to stand in their way. I cheer them every chance I get.

I think they are amazing.

My middle daughter turns 25 tomorrow, she will be half my life. I think that is astounding!

My oldest one is studying to take a huge exam I wish her the best. I silently cheer her. She is not much of a fan of me making such a fuss. Though secretly I pray every day she is happy and has found whatever it is that gives her soul happiness and peace.

These days she is working hard with a man at her side, making changes in her life to feel better and be stronger than she really even knows. She has strength though she may not always know it . I do. I cheer her and steal a hug when I can. (I hope she knows I hug for her though it is my heart that swells when I actually feel her arms around me. )

She gave me a gift I hold with the greatest of all one more child to love and love her I do!

Where did all my time go?

I wish some days I could turn back time. Get one more hug, a time to just pause for a minute so I could capture it and never let it go.

Time keeps on moving however and so must I am trying to keep up. it gets harder each day. I am getting older that is a simple truth.

Time stands still for no one. You just have to know when to let go and when to hang on. move, keep moving is the key. I think.

These days I find it harder and more trying to keep moving, my body just keeps kicking my ass! I am tired. I am in pain, though my face rarely shows this. ( remember I love to laugh, smile and be happy)

I began today feeling irritated and almost said screw it! I Quit! Something happens when I write, I find myself moving, if not in my legs but rather in my mind and my fingers, as they tap on the keys. I am not standing still I am living and remembering what matters to me.

People matter to me, my family, my friends, and even strangers I have never met. They need people to care, to remember. It fills my soul with others. I spend little time on myself.  I never really thought much about myself, I never really thought I matter all that much. So I wear clothes that don’t matter they are just something to put on. I find comfort in little things, a hug, a call, lunch with a friend, a cup of coffee in bed with my husband before he is off to work.

One day I wont be here, one day my time will come. That day is not today so today I keep on pushing to make sense of this world and the people who exist in it.some days it is a challenge, today is one of those days. I always worry about time, never seems to be enough… I think they have written 100 songs about that.

So I check my life as I sit here today and I wonder what in my life has mattered.What have I done with my life? Who will remember me when I am gone and why?

I have done so many things, I have been many people.

I walked down this street every day for a year. I bar hopped and stumbled home drunk. I was a cocktail waitress and I did not have a car, so my legs worked very hard. 4 O’ Clock license made for many late nights. 

I have been single and wild, I have been married and content. I have been a widow and I have remarried. I have given birth, laboring for many painful  hours. I have been a mother. I have been a friend and a wife. I have been a nurses aide and I have been a caretaker. I have been security and I have been a volunteer. I have been a college student and I have been a tutor. I have been a manager and a teacher. I have been a coach and a cheerleader. I have sat beside someone and held their hand as they died.

I have discovered strangers who died in the night and made sure they were taken care of. I have rescued many strays both human and animals. I have stayed awake with worry to make sure my children got home safely. I have fought hard in my life to make sure everyone else has been fed. I have starved and lived in dark alleys.

I have figured out ways to make a sandwich last a week. I have been a babysitter and I have cleaned up vomit . I have rocked more children than I can count. I have been a dancer and I danced while my legs were weak refusing to give into the pain I felt, never wanting to give in because people said I could NOT. Oh did I dance!

How I danced.

How I danced.

I have been hard and I have been weak, I have laughed and I have cried. I have walked and I have crawled.I have had many surgeries of which caused me more pain than I ever imagined anyone might endure. That is one thing that continues to this day. Needing more body repairs and medicines to keep me getting up each day! I need a new knee now.I have endured. I am still here!

What brings me joy!

What brings me joy!

Not once did it ever occur to me dying was an option. seemed to me a selfish act, and sort of an easy way out. I wanted to see and to feel. I wanted to know how it would all turn out. Never once thinking Id matter much. I just wanted to live.  Living is what I seem to do best. May not be as exciting as one might have hoped but it has been one HELL of a ride I kid you not!

I have lived in many places and in many people’s heart. It just took me 50 years to realize I mattered at all. I am grateful for every single moment in my life both ugly and beautiful. It has made for a an incredible adventure and my cloth is not dull. I wear my fabric of so many textures and colors. some parts are frayed and others tied in knots.  I hold it together with a little help from a few. My coat could be of many colors if indeed I  wore a coat.

When I look over my page today making sure none of this gets lost, I realize while I began feeling not so great and considered not doing this at all. I am impressed with myself!

the best part of my journey indeed has been a mother, both challenging and rewarding. Changing lives of those I have touched. My husband, my children and my grandchild, and all the extra strays I have collected along the way.

I began by saying Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting it to turn out differently.

I have never done the same thing the same way not ever. I tend to do things the hard way hardheaded I suppose I am.

So what does sanity mean?

Yet, I endure and I embrace. I believe that is what sanity is made of.

Thank you for coming along with me today, yes it is Saturday, and I usually take the weekend off. I appreciate all who join me and  I hope you know you matter. I am not living in Australia and yet today was not the best of days.

This too shall pass , tomorrow is another day and I will celebrate the day my middle child was born!

Robin~ a simple bird.

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