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You will see the Sun Again.

YOU HAVE TO GET UP AND CELEBRATE THE SUN!

Beautiful

Second verse same as the first! Why this keeps happening I do not understand.

I preach all the time you can never give up some days are harder than most. Today is one of those days I’m afraid for I keep trying and nothing happens it just stays the same.

You just have to get up and look for the sun, even on days when they sky is rather gray. Today is like that I am sorry to say.Yesterday I spent so much time fixing my dog ( Luke) he is worth more than money he is both my heart and my soul. I can’t live without him it is as simple as that. So I took my ill dog to the doctor just yesterday.

He was bitten by something and had a bad reaction, it may have affected his liver they say, so with plenty of meds and some shots for good measure my poor little Luke is suffering inside. I can see it in his face though the big beast he is his heart is pure gold and Id do everything to save him.

Luke

Luke

Luke has raised 6 children or so, he’s apart of our lives we all love him so.

Alex and Luke

Alex and Luke

Big vicious dog some people might say, though as you can see it’s too much loving not anger or fear. He loves all his children both young and all grown he’s the best that there is no question at all.

Best dog in town!

Best dog in town!

So a long day was spent making sure he’s OK but it has taken its toll on me as of today.I am not up for much I just want to give up, I cannot do just that I have children I say. So try as I might and as hard as I can today will not be ruined despite how I feel. I will cook dinner and will smile as well for that’s what I have and no one can take that away.

I am feeling a little like Job these days.( read the book of Job it is in the Bible) Someone keeps taking stabs at me day after day. I have looked to the sky and I have said I have had enough, though I think to myself someone else has it worse. So I try not to complain though I do now and then I am human despite all the metal I am made of. My brain is still human it feels quite a bit. If I do not bare this than someone else might. I would not  wish this on anyone, it is such a fate.. I did nothing to hurt me but I keep breaking just the same.

I went out to dinner last Friday night, we ate at Kelsey Roadhouse, a lovely little dive and much fun had by all . A man bumped my arm while it was resting on my friends chair, the first time he did it he said, “I am so sorry my dear”. The next thing that happened caught me off guard. This man passed me by only this time he bumped me, he sent my arms sailing, knocking my arm off the chair. It hurt when, I figure it would be gone. It takes me longer to heal these days I am not young as I wished. So the weekend was completed and I had made it through, now here we are Tuesday and I am in more pain than I can possibly explain. Is it from just my arm? The answer is no it’s the pain in my body all over the town. My hips have grown weary from the stress of my life, my knee has begun to buckle themselves . The arm that I have that is not doing well I am certain the tendon has torn from its threads. Off to the doctor again and once more. We are on a first named basis I no this cannot be my lot. Wrap me up in a bubble some people say do not move just stay far away. I can’t live like that I have things I must do, such as caring for the dogs that depend on their food.

The boys!

The boys!

Give me a break I yell from my roof, if it only would hold me I might stand up there. Though my roof is quite leaky it rains in my home so the roof is not stable all on its own. So instead I walk out to my porch that I own and look to the sky wishing answer would fly. Nothing happens I am still in much pain so I have to find something, anything instead. My coffee while tasty is not doing the trick, not the pills that I swallow nothing much, nothing at all. My back is causing me more trouble than not. The rods in my back that hold me upright seem to be aching cold weather had come. The cage in my spine while no one can see it, is there in this body that is all of me. The cage while stable has bent just a little. For my back keeps on curving regardless of what I do. So one more shot another days pain. Please pray for my legs to keep standing each day.

Pain truly is the killer of all for it steals whats most precious. The smile that I own it is mine, not for sale, there is not a price one can offer I dare!

I have had all the rain I can bare where are my rainbows I promise to share!

I try everyday to say stuff in my mind, putting pen to my paper to keep from over filling my head.Some days I am happy probably happier than most but this pain in my body keeps stealing what I treasure most. It is the smile on my face that I want all the time, I keep praying it wont fall inside. One day I will wake up from this nightmare of mine . My smile will live  with a smile inside. My body to be free from the pain of it all. The glue and steel rods the metal they say, will vanish and I will return jumping inside. To run, to jump when my granddaughter sings, to dance in my daughter’s wedding one day. To steal quiet moments in the middle of the night kissing my love in the still of quiet of the night. Instead this is my life it is full of too much pain and my smile keeps dwindling feeling frightened most days.

24 hours is what I allow not a moment more for times not to be wasted on such silly things.

All I wanted today was to cook a small meal, for a daughter I love she asks nothing of me. She does more for me, I cannot never repay, she keeps on loving me just as broken as I am. She does not seem to see me or the damage I feel, she rather keeps telling me I am beautiful today. So why I have to ask to whoever is above would you allow this to happen and keep stealing from me?

I wear too many too many to share but trust me when I say they are there.

It is not just my legs, or the hips they replaced, not the rods in my body or the steel in my back. It’s the pain in my soul the ones that don’t heal ,it’s the scars no one sees they are there anyways.

I don’t ask for pity not ever not even today. I do ask however if you pray, please pray this away.

I am keeping this shorter today, for whatever reasons today, I can no longer sit anymore than I have. I have walked about through this home of mine, trying to find out just what I have and how long it will stay. I am searching for peace inside me now, if not on this paper I’m afraid it cannot be found. Please come out sun I am looking your way, please keep more gray skies away. I don’t ask for much just a little break, not too much to ask for, when I ask for nothing at all.

Life is too short to spend it in pain and I know all too well there are much worse than me, I am so sorry to say. I am grateful for what little I have, I have something greater than money can buy . I have the love of the children I bore and their partners if not boyfriends than wives and them all. I appreciate all their support , I just hate to steal one moment of joy. It is why I gave birth to all of them so they would enjoy! I want them to smile and feel only love, not to be bothered with a mother who feels helpless at all.

I must be a mighty wise woman, though I tend to doubt it.

It is the man I adore, I fear about most, I can never repay him for all he has done. Sits by my side while I writhe in such pain crying more tears too many to explain.Night after night with his hands down my back trying his best to rid me of pain. He rarely complains he just holds me tight.He tells me I’m perfect, if for nobody else, he says it’s OK, for I am his he tells me each day, he tells me not broken, not damaged goods, just someone I love, a woman I adore. 

How could I ask for anything else? A man who adores this broken down self. I don’t know he does it, why he hasn’t ridden himself. He could do so much better I too often think to myself. He’s such a great man, and I am not much. I come with too much baggage I am sure and the pains keep on rolling with no time in between. Seems to be not a single day to spare, each day brings anew one keeps coming my way. I know I am tired so I think he must be. A little happiness is one step away. I am not going anywhere I am here to stay, this man I adore stole my running shoes a long time ago. So here is where my home is in this man I a adore I keep trying to find all my smiles so I have one each day. He arrives at home late after a harrowing day of so much work. He says, Hello Toots, how was your day?” How can I answer this man I adore he cares  what I think and he cares how I feel. I find some days more than not I have nothing to say that is pleasant at all.

Seems mighty unfair, but that is my life and I do what I can. He deserves so much more. I lay dinner aside for when he arrives and I just hope it’s OK, not what I had planned, its the best I could do.  He never complains he always replies “smells wonderful honey thank you I was so hungry!”

He needs never to thank me for it is I who is thankful for him.

With this statement in  mind, I will travel a bit away, I have things I must do.  Putting my anger to good use. I will go shopping for food ! Pasta it is, I’d rather welcome my daughter with smiles instead!

Thank you for coming on another days journey, Not always pretty though it’s the journey I am on.

I could have it worse, I am totally aware, I fear only that my pain wont disappear.

Robin ~ a simple bird .

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2 thoughts on “You will see the Sun Again.

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