Good morning to my world.
I hope you didn’t think I walked out on everyone. I was having some computer troubles and medical issues I had to figure out how to cope with. First we must begin with the perfect cup of coffee then figure out the rest..
I am back , have no fear I will continue to write till my story ends. On the days I am not please don’t forget about me. I am struggling with many medical problems and some days it is much harder than others for me to get out of bed.
I get up every morning and throw my legs over the edge trying to make my aching body move, to wake a small child who greets me with smiles and hugs. Excited to get our cup of coffee going as we sit and sip to start our day. ( her coffee is mainly cream and a splash of coffee with a spot of sugar. ) she tells me, “Grandma you make the best coffee in the universe”, I have been accused of this before. I don’t know if I make the best coffee or not I think it’s mainly the experience that makes a great cup of java!
Okay I make great coffee as well!
I have thought about the things that have run in my head the past week and I have written scribbling on my paper non stop if I cannot type the thoughts do not stop so pen and paper is where all my rambling thoughts have been this week.
I have struggled recently with great loneliness.
It is an odd thing that one can be in a room full of people and yet be so alone.
Loneliness is a state of mind not a place.
When I close my eyes this is how I imagine I am .
Not my truths however.
I did not want to write a bunch of depressing things just because they run inside my head. I keep telling myself this too shall pass, but it is not passing, it keeps running through my nightmares ,it runs through my mind every hour, each day, every time the scrub brush washes over the next crack ,I feel the tears fall on my hands, lifting my hands up long enough to dry a tear that refuses to stop. Why can’t I make the tears stop falling?
I cry when the bag rips, I cry when I drop another cup, I cry when I can’t get warm inside. I cry when someone calls me and asks me,” how are you?” So I stopped answering the phone. That did not help either.
I walk the same path each day, doing what I can to cheer those that can’t ever seem to find their smiles, I cheer on the children I gave life to. I cheer on the extras I have gathered along the way. I am proud of them so why wont these tears stop falling? I cross my fingers with each new chance for them. I fight the good fight for my grandchild when she struggles in school. I am always the one who finds the good, the joy, the smiles, the laughter, even behind the tears. I try to cheer on the man who slips into my bed each night, barely seeing him anymore, gone before I wake and home after I’ve crawled into bed praying for relief and peaceful sleep.I find myself up late at night pacing from one end of my home to the other back and forth waiting for peace to settle in for a little sleep a little rest. Not wanting to disturb the man who keeps choosing me no matter how hard I fall apart. Feeling badly that it is all I can do to ask how was your day dear?
I wish for my running shoes, to be-able to run till I can no longer breathe.
Oh how I loved that feeling.
My husband stole my running shoes a long time ago, telling me “no more running”
I have a home , I have a place.
I stopped running.
I ran in fear, I ran for my life. I ran till my sides burned. I ran so I could stop hurting. I ran so my brain would shut off. I ran so my body felt the burn and my brain would stop aching .
I ran because I did not know where I belonged or if I belonged anywhere or to anyone.
I just wanted to belong.
I can no longer run ,even if I wanted to and that is part of my problem. I am stuck inside a body that wont allow me to move the way I once could.I have not been able to adjust to this fact. It seems that the grace I once had no longer exists.
I am clumsy. I am broken .I am damaged goods.
I am trying to prepare for yet another surgery, another hip replaced .This time they will release the main tendon in my leg which will leave me weaker still.It seems so unfair. I can barely wrap my brain around how much of my life feels as though a thief in the night came and stole my life little by little and did not even have the courtesy to ask if they could just borrow a little of me. I would happily have given it.I cannot help but ponder about why I must keep on falling apart and head for another Operating Room for another long journey back to the living.
If this is a fact, then I suppose my life has lots of meaning.
I am always pondering what now?
Play the music louder?
Dance inside my head when the hips refuse to sway with the music I hear?
Please make the pain go away.
I wish I could feel the music, I wish my brain would shut off long enough for me to hear it.
DIG DEEPER STILL.
This is not what I wanted, it is not what I wished for when I was younger.
I will take the high road, maybe because I have always considered everything is a lesson to be learned.I will take the good with the bad, the ugly and then even disfigured. Sometimes in life we are forced to do things we don’t always want to do. Often we do things we must because we have to not because we enjoy it or want to . I call this life.This is my life, for better or worse this is my life. Even though things out of my control keep stealing small gems , little shards that are what my being is made of. I am trying to keep up some dignity. I will endure whatever comes my way next and maybe with a little less grace than before but not for a lack of trying.
I have always admired Eleanor Roosevelt, more than most women. I think she was the image of perfection of dignity and grace entwined with such bravery and courage.
I am trying to take her advice.
Do what you think you cannot!
I do not pray for an easy life, I pray for the strength to ENDURE a difficult one.
I have lived in chains of bondage to my body for most of my life, and as painful as the chains have been, or the ropes as they have cut into my flesh, that is not a pain I cannot bare.
Stealing my mind, taking from my heart,leaving me empty with only loneliness to steal whats left of me. Those are the pains I cannot bare.
No one and nothing can ever chain the freedoms of my mind and soul. That my dear friends is the one thing that still belongs to me.
Today I begin my climb back out of the state I am presently in. Loneliness is not a good place, it is not a good state of mind . You can’t just allow life to leave your grasp… you have to hang on tighter and find a new direction.
A new plan .
Time to move.
Time to get out of this state of mind.
Time to find my joy again.
Hard to do when your body is so riddled with constant pain.
I will endure. I will find my smile. I will celebrate whats good.
This week I will celebrate my daughters new home. She is moving in to her new home this weekend . Her family along with friends will help her with boxes and furniture to give her the grunts as they push her things upstairs and she settles into what proves to be a beautiful new life for herself with a man along her side that I adore. Side by side they will find themselves a beautiful world. A stunning life they have created together. Hard work and lots of sacrifices. I wish I could help her move into her home but as with my son and his bride I am no longer able to physically help and that makes me so sad. I feel a little left out of whats grand and breathtaking. The beginning of a new life. I made chicken soup what else would a Jewish mama do when all else fails? It’s a lovely home, she painted her kitchen my favorite color. I think maybe when she sits in her new kitchen and has a cup of coffee she might feel me in her walls.
I like that thought a lot.
Thanks for coming along with me for another day and for having faith in me. I am sorry to all those who got their feelings hurt along the way this past week. It was never my intention. I am just trying to find my way like everyone else. I am not perfect. I make mistakes .
Don’t give up on me even if it seems I have.
I am not a quitter.
I am not done.
A special thank you to a man I love, more than myself perhaps. I appreciate all that you continue to do, for not letting go of me when I just want to flee..it is not from you I run, it is into your arms I long to be.
Robin ~ a simple bird , struggling a little at the moment.