I have struggled a lot recently with my new lease on life. I am broken and mostly put together with rods and steel. I have screws and metal parts which amaze me. Some days I am not sure I will be able to get out of bed and walk to the next room. I keep yelling at myself GET UP!! some days it works better than others. The real pain I feel is mighty horrible and as for my complaining I rarely do. What people hear from me usually is simple eh I am ok not too bad etc. That is nothing of the truth however and I find it harder and harder to find the happy place that allows me to just keep moving. I miss my life, I miss my life.
So where do I begin again? I have been here before, how did I find that thing that grabs you and makes you move even when your legs refuse you? I keep searching, I am better than yesterday and still it is not enough. I am tired most of the time and I hurt more than anyone can imagine. every day every second of every single day and night . I hang on tight to the little one that has me wrapped around her fingers. Her heart is huge and she doesn’t seem to notice all my faults and short-comings she just loves me.
I am struggling to regain my life, every single day it has become a struggle, I cannot bend to pick up stuff that the beasts have shredded and I see my floors and I just feel tears of frustration .It gets worse with the cold and I can’t get outside for fresh air to breathe. I am stuck.
Get back on the horse again is what they say if you ride horses. So I am saddling up and getting back up one more time. I have things to do, I have places to go, I am not done living just yet. I have a husband I adore and we have lots of living to still do, I wish I could see me through his eyes . He never sees me broken he thinks I’m beautiful. I have lots of kissing left inside. I am not done.
He’s wrong, I was once pretty and felt like I owned the world. I looked good in my jeans and I loved the feel of my high-heeled boots. I walked with a purpose! That is gone, now I walk carefully trying to make sure I do not fall over.
I watch my oldest child walk about in her heels and I cannot help but reminisce of days gone by. I am far from dead, but I live with much more caution then I did when I was young . I miss my cowboy boots, I miss my kid-skin leather soft oh my G-d amazing high-heeled boots. I even miss the cat calls as I walked Downtown .
( yes I actually wore shocking pink pumps!)
So how in the world do I get my life back when I can barely move through my home? My mind still works, well mostly it does. I do not have the memory I used to and I fear for the things I may have forgotten It is hard not to mourn what I have lost because the loss is real . It s really okay to acknowledge what one has lost and then move on. I am trying hard to adjust.
Others do not always understand or want to believe this.
I just speak the truth.
So I am saying today, open the curtains, open the windows, let the light come shinning back in. I am alive and I am not done. Let the world remember I am here and I have a voice. I wont be shut out of this crazy amazing world I am apart of. I do not want to waste a single moment any longer I have grand puppies to love and a daughter in law who wants me to come see her wedding photos I have a grandchild who wants to fly kites! I have many things I want to still do, so come on with me be my cheering section I am here to stay!
Life is far to beautiful and full of wonder to miss a moment. Just because it can be difficult does not mean it is not worth it!
This is my life .
No one can live it for me.
I live for today, and tomorrow and the all the tomorrows that will follow. Hang on with me, lots of good times ahead.
It is a strange and beautiful life… if you actually live it!
Even when it is so bitter old outside.
Stay warm snuggle up with a furry friend or a best friend, sip a cup of hot tea and smile, remember to find your smile.
Thanks for joining me and I hope you missed me. I missed writing and hearing from all of you. I am back to stay.
Robin ~ a simple bird.
Wintertime seems to be extra long this year, maybe in part it is because I have been so housebound and unable to get out. It surely feels like hot soup and hot cocoa, chicken and dumplings and stews tis the weather to make food that sticks to the ribs as my grandfather would have said.
Looks almost as good as it actually tastes. It is on the menu this week.
Grandpa has taken his princess out on an afternoon date to go see this silly movie. I could not go as I cannot sit in the theaters just yet I still have some healing left to go. I am however really happy they went. She adores this man more than words can describe. He is the man of her life and no one can ever take that place. He still has the perfect spot under his arm where she fits perfectly “snug as a bug” ( as she would say)
Grandfathers are an amazing human beings!
He took his princess pink eggplant hat pink sequins boots and a happy smile off to the movies. I think its awesome! A memory making moment.
Winter Blues set in and it takes a larger effort to get much of anything done. I don’t know many in part it has to do with getting a new hip this year and trying to figure out how to walk like a reasonable human being. I don’t I hobble badly and I lip terribly and I use a cane which doesn’t help it causes new issues.
I say many times, do it while you can, it gets so much harder by the time you reach my age!
Luke is getting to be an old man, just like me only I am an old woman!
Growing older has so many challenges, some you might not ever occur to you when your still young and the world is yours to own! I have many issues which complicate the easiest of tasks, laundry , stairs, walking bending to pick things off the ground. Life is just more of a challenge then it used to be. I am so reminded of my age while I watch the Olympics and these skaters… oh I once upon skated! I loved it ! I planned of being the next Dorothy Hamel! ( ok well that dreamed died a very long time ago, and reality struck hard! ) But a girl can dream!
( Yes, I am skating on the Midway!)
My kids did too!
This was what I dreamed about as a child, it was all I ever really wanted to do… I met her once, she gave me a hug I went to a show and was invited to go back stage and she was as ice as I had ever imagined . When she skated nothing else in my life seemed to matter . I was transported to a place that was far above any rainbow.
SO, I watch The Olympics and re-live old dreams. I still remember my first pair of ice skate they had pom-poms on them I was a proud little girl! The pain in my ankles I thought meant I was big stuff I could endure any pain!. and maybe just maybe make a few new ones for myself along the way. Just because one dream dies does not mean you cannot make new ones.
I hung up my skate many years ago, but my memory is alive and still makes me smile!
Lets face it pom-poms are awesome!
New dreams are the place in my life now, I am busy living the new dreams and aspirations I have for 2014!
Every day and even into the late nights when sleep refuses to cooperate!
Getting old sucks, but I think it is true when they sat we get wiser as we age, I must be filled with great wisdom at this stage of the game!
I suppose the wisdom for the day is this….
Live the life your proud of, don’t allow the small petty stuff to get in your way. Live and be happy, don’t let others take that away.
Take silly pictures and capture moments that one day you will love to look back at. Don’t be so worried whatever think . Trust me they are not thinking one bit about you!
If a genus can make fun of himself so you!
Thank you for coming along for another day in my life, and I appreciate all the people who follow me.
Well that’s all for today folks!
Stay warm and be safe!
Robin~ a simple bird.
We’ve started off the new year with blistering cold weather. It is after The Windy City so bring on the snow and let the wind carry me away….. far away to a place I dream of in the middle of the cold winters nights.
Its the end of on year and the beginning of a new year.
I tend to look at years like doors.
Each year a door closes and becomes the past and the snow blankets the earth washing the old year way and I look outside my window and watch as the snow sparkles in the sun.
Wicked welcome to the new year!
I have a new computer I am trying out. Please bare with me as I try and figure out the ins and outs!
Robin joi ,a simple bird