I have struggled a lot recently with my new lease on life. I am broken and mostly put together with rods and steel. I have screws and metal parts which amaze me. Some days I am not sure I will be able to get out of bed and walk to the next room. I keep yelling at myself GET UP!! some days it works better than others. The real pain I feel is mighty horrible and as for my complaining I rarely do. What people hear from me usually is simple eh I am ok not too bad etc. That is nothing of the truth however and I find it harder and harder to find the happy place that allows me to just keep moving. I miss my life, I miss my life.
So where do I begin again? I have been here before, how did I find that thing that grabs you and makes you move even when your legs refuse you? I keep searching, I am better than yesterday and still it is not enough. I am tired most of the time and I hurt more than anyone can imagine. every day every second of every single day and night . I hang on tight to the little one that has me wrapped around her fingers. Her heart is huge and she doesn’t seem to notice all my faults and short-comings she just loves me.
I am struggling to regain my life, every single day it has become a struggle, I cannot bend to pick up stuff that the beasts have shredded and I see my floors and I just feel tears of frustration .It gets worse with the cold and I can’t get outside for fresh air to breathe. I am stuck.
Get back on the horse again is what they say if you ride horses. So I am saddling up and getting back up one more time. I have things to do, I have places to go, I am not done living just yet. I have a husband I adore and we have lots of living to still do, I wish I could see me through his eyes . He never sees me broken he thinks I’m beautiful. I have lots of kissing left inside. I am not done.
He’s wrong, I was once pretty and felt like I owned the world. I looked good in my jeans and I loved the feel of my high-heeled boots. I walked with a purpose! That is gone, now I walk carefully trying to make sure I do not fall over.
I watch my oldest child walk about in her heels and I cannot help but reminisce of days gone by. I am far from dead, but I live with much more caution then I did when I was young . I miss my cowboy boots, I miss my kid-skin leather soft oh my G-d amazing high-heeled boots. I even miss the cat calls as I walked Downtown .
( yes I actually wore shocking pink pumps!)
So how in the world do I get my life back when I can barely move through my home? My mind still works, well mostly it does. I do not have the memory I used to and I fear for the things I may have forgotten It is hard not to mourn what I have lost because the loss is real . It s really okay to acknowledge what one has lost and then move on. I am trying hard to adjust.
Others do not always understand or want to believe this.
I just speak the truth.
So I am saying today, open the curtains, open the windows, let the light come shinning back in. I am alive and I am not done. Let the world remember I am here and I have a voice. I wont be shut out of this crazy amazing world I am apart of. I do not want to waste a single moment any longer I have grand puppies to love and a daughter in law who wants me to come see her wedding photos I have a grandchild who wants to fly kites! I have many things I want to still do, so come on with me be my cheering section I am here to stay!
Life is far to beautiful and full of wonder to miss a moment. Just because it can be difficult does not mean it is not worth it!
This is my life .
No one can live it for me.
I live for today, and tomorrow and the all the tomorrows that will follow. Hang on with me, lots of good times ahead.
It is a strange and beautiful life… if you actually live it!
Even when it is so bitter old outside.
Stay warm snuggle up with a furry friend or a best friend, sip a cup of hot tea and smile, remember to find your smile.
Thanks for joining me and I hope you missed me. I missed writing and hearing from all of you. I am back to stay.
Robin ~ a simple bird.