WONDERING WHILE WATCHING WICKED WINDY WINTER WEDNESDAYS.

This winter has brought some of the most wicked winds in history. Every day the process of getting dressed to go forge into winter winds takes extra time. It seems no matter how any layers one puts on it just isn’t enough. I can barely remember anther winter where it was so wickedly cool every single day. I am not seeing children on sleds flying down the hills wherever snow has been piled up. I d not see snowman on the front yards of the people in town. I hear of lots of people with cabin fever wishing for a little warmer weather. I mean it is Chicago so cold is part of living here in the Midwest.

or the homemade skating ponds….

Where have all the snowman gone?

Everyone loves to build a snowman!

I miss seeing all the snowman people make, lending a hat or a scarf… making sure to have a carrot on hand. One cannot make a snowman without a carrot for a nose.

This winter has been particularly difficult for me as trying to heal from my hip replacement has grueld. The cold is not helping in the least. The bitterness of this winter chills me right to my bones and once the metal inside my body has chilled it takes forever to warm up . I move a little too much like the Tin-man without is oil can!

At least he had some friends to carry the oil can and help him out when he got stuck. I spend way too much time alone and once I am stuck( which actually happens) I just have to wait it out and hopefully eventually the body starts to move squeaking and moaning as I try to find my footing.

There are days I feel like the old commercial where the old lady falls over and says, “Help I’ve fallen and can’t get up” I dropped something on the ground yesterday and bent over to pick it up so my dogs would not get into it and I found myself stuck somewhere between the floor and standing upright. I was stuck and could not stand up or sit down. It is a terrifying feeling when you are all alone and nobody’s around to help.

Stuck.

Like Pooh Bear in Rabbits hole.

Not inside and not outside, just stuck in the middle.

Helpless is a terrible feeling and frustration sets in. I spend most of my days very alone, just me and my beasts. While my beasts are very good company they cannot usually help me if I have slipped and fallen. They will lie beside me moaning but they cannot help me back up.

I am petrified of going outside these days.

I have become a bit of a hermit. I never want to go outside, I rarely see anyone except for my family. My children are grown and mostly moved out, they are busy living their lives( I would not have it any other way)

My husband works very hard and is rarely home , and again I wouldn’t have it any other way, he is the only bread-winner in our home. I miss him, and I find I miss human companionship more and more. I have friends I chat with online and on the phone. It is not the same thing as face to face, and it doesn’t touch my skin.

Hugs.

 Remember I speak of hugs, I don’t get enough of them these days. I used to be able to meet my girlfriend every day when she brought my granddaughter home, and I often hugged her to say thank you for all the selfless help she shows me and for all the love and patience she and her family have shown my grandchild. I am forever grateful to this beautiful family.

HUGS!

Hugs on a WICKED, bitter winter evening, warms the body and the soul.

I seem to be missing that.

So the question I find myself with on these Wickedly bitter, cold winter days especially as the holiday of “love” is approaching is how do I get myself out of this incredibly lonely feeling.

I am loved by many and more importantly I love many.

I do not think they ever question how I feel about them.

 

I however never quite feel worthy of their love. I am broken , I am useless, I have nothing to give anymore. I have become a shell that covers the bone that live inside my body. They cover up all that aches and is slowly killing my spirit. Pain has taken its toll in ways words cannot describe. Pain has taken the place of pleasures I lived for. Every day someone asks me how I am feeling and the answer is basically the same. I’m okay. What else am I suppose to say? I hurt everywhere, yes, I am probably better than 6 weeks ago but what I am left with is far from great and barely okay. I hurt so much I don’t even know what good feels like anymore. I think it comforts others if they think I am better or okay. It doesn’t even really matter what the truth is what matters is that THEY think I’m better or doing great. It is mainly a lie. I say it because I don’t want to make others feel badly. It reassured them if I say I’m fine. So fine s what I am.

 Romance seems like a foreign language these days. I just feel so left out of my very own life, the fairytale I made for myself has been stolen a little at a time, but non the less it was taken from me. Leaving me with feeling empty and worthless .Not worthy of anyone really and it gets harder each day.

So much for this lovely holiday that comes too soon for my liking.

Loneliness is slowly but surely becoming my friend.

Damaged goods.

What a mess… I don’t even know how or where to begin to try to clean up this mess.

Who wants that? Even I don’t want that!

I have nothing left.

I need my Ocean!

I need to breathe my salt water air!

Desperately searching for something that makes me feel alive. I have become so numb to most things. I feel like I am floating through what my life has become. I do not recognize even my surroundings. I am on auto pilot, time to do this and so that is what I do. Smile now, and that is what I do. Bathe, oh wait I can’t do that until someone is willing to help me. How pathetic is that?  Everyday I can feel all the things that just keep being taken away from what used to be my life. It is barely my life anymore . A stranger has moved in and taken over.

What is my life made up of? What has my life become? How many things have I accomplished in my life that I wished for, or wanted?

Am I happy?

Am I sad?

My heart has been badly hurt recently.  I am having a very hard time bouncing back from it. It is not that I have not forgiven or that I think they were wrong. Non the less it stabbed my heart right into the core of my soul. I ache almost as much as this broken body. The worst thing is not pain in your hip, back, knee etc.

The worst pain in the world is a broken soul.

That is so much harder to repair.

These are the thoughts that whip through my brain like an uncontrollable wicked twister. Trying to grasp at anything so as not to blow away across the world to nowhere.  The bitterness of this weather makes it even harder for me to grab all that is good.  I know it exists. Ugly and cold has become a battle along with pain and anguish. Neither are things I would wish on anyone.

Be positive.

Put good ideas into the universe and that s what will come back to you. I preach this every day to anyone who will listen. I used to believe this with every single bone in my body. These days I have many doubts. If I say this publically, shame on me is what will be said. I suppose that is how I would feel if others thought this way. I believe the word that best describes the way I feel if I am completely honest is despair.

The scars that I wear have become impossible to cover up.

They show anyways.

I’m fighting hard, each day I wake up and throw my legs over the side of the bed and swallow the pills that allow me to move, and get the little one ready for her day. I smile and encourage the best that I can. I chant to myself just like the “Little Engine that Could” I think I can I think I can I can I can I can.

One foot in front of the other… I suppose that is really all anyone an ask for right?

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get back on the horse. No feeling sorry for yourself in my house. Get over yourself I say and for crying out loud just get on with the doings and beings of life. Smile even when you don’t feel like it. As my grandmother would say,” put on your face when others are round” So, I do for the most part. Trying hard not to burden other anymore than I absolutely have to.

Well, this has NOT been an uplifting blog, I suppose some days are like that even in Australia, in this case Chicago. I am doing my best and I just have to remember better me than my children or my husband.

Feeling sorry for yourself never got anything accomplished.

…and I am far from done so I’d best get back to living.

Time to find my inner wickedness and defy gravity!

…..and keep flying.

So I guess I will be grabbing my broom….

Thanks again for coming with me today, I am sorry this wasn’t more uplifting.

Tomorrow is another day.

For the rest of today I will be busy getting back to living.

Robin~ a simple bird.

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